Remus Lupin Discovers the Magic of Chocolate
by R4v3n Kn1ght
Summary: Adventure and chaos reigns during an attack on Harry while he is in hiding. Throughout all of this, Remus Lupin tries out his newest countercurse theory - chocolate. Humor!


**Author's Note:** _This is complete and utter randomness and may make very little sense. Once again, this was a joint conception by Artemis Arcturus and myself. Again, meant as absurd humor and not to be taken seriously. Hope everyone enjoys this. _

**Remus Lupin Discovers the Magic of Chocolate**

Harry Potter was sleeping in a secret little house in the middle of a secret location in the middle of nowhere…which was of course a secret. The secret house was being watched by various people that were kept secret from even Harry. He was starting to wonder if there actually _were_ people watching this house in which he was seeking temporary asylum. With that disturbing thought that he was in the middle of nowhere with nobody for company Harry Potter fell asleep…

…only to be awoken by a strange hissing sound above his face. Harry blearily opened his eyes and saw someone above his head. He went cross-eyed for a moment as he focused on the thin shape of a wand aimed right at the space between his not-quite-clearly-seeing eyes. The blurry shape had very blonde hair and pale skin. For a moment, this person reminded him of a wispy ghost.

That is, until said ghost hissed out the beginning of an all too familiar curse. "Avada!"

Suddenly the door of the room burst open. The ghostly person whirled around to face this intruder. Harry had never been happier to hear Snape's voice in his life! "Expelliarmus!" Surprisingly, the spell didn't only disarm the mystery person of his wand, but it also blasted him clear out of the window! He'd seen something like that before…in second year. Dobby! It was when Dobby blasted Lucius Malfoy from him when he was about to shoot the Killing Curse at him! And then, Harry got confused that Snape would have blasted Lucius Malfoy through a window.

That question went out the proverbial window at the strange sight of Remus Lupin stumbling through the open doorway, a bar of chocolate in his hand. He was swinging it around as though it were a weapon…or a wand. Remus looked as though he were drunk. "Harry!" he exclaimed. He stumbled over towards Harry, who by this point had put on his glasses so that he could confirm that both Snape and Lupin were in the same room…with him! "Have some chocolate. You'll feel better."

Snape lowered his wand and mumbled under his breath but not quietly enough, "I thought I poisoned you this time."

Remus aimed the chocolate bar at Snape as he turned. "Nope!" He then took a large bite out of the chocolate bar. As he chewed on the mouthful, he continued to talk. "You probably thought that chocolate would do something to the Wolfsbane Potion to make it…ineffective?" He took another bite of the chocolate. "But what it did was enhance it! Quite brilliant actually!"

Snape stared at Remus Lupin as though he had gone insane. For once, Harry sympathized with Snape.

"And that got me thinking," Lupin continued. "Maybe chocolate is a better counter for, well, everything! So, I bought something to test out my idea!"

"Really?" asked Harry from his seated position in bed. "And what is this…theory?"

"This!" said Remus happily as he produced a bag loaded with small candies. "Me and Sirius started an experiment! And you know what, Severus? These little things work better than the most potent bezoar you have in your little supply cupboard!" He reached into the bag and grabbed a handful of the candies. "I charmed them so that I know what kind of chocolate is in these little candies! D is for dark chocolate which works against every dark curse we've tested. M is for milk chocolate, which we discovered works great for poisons. And W is for white chocolate."

"What's that work against?" drawled Snape.

Remus looked at it as though he forgot what he was about to say. "Just in case, I suppose."

Snape walked to the wall and leaned against it, his entire intimidating demeanor deflating instantly. "If only you, Potter, hadn't taken so many of my lacewing flies, I would be able to brew…" Suddenly, Snape looked very far away like he was lost in some sort of fantasy. "…a nice Polyjucie Potion. Then I could slip off unnoticed to somewhere like…Paraguay."

A new voice came from beyond the open doorway, which Harry immediately recognized as Sirius Black's voice. The other dark-haired wizard reached towards Lupin's bag of candies. "Well, you have the greasy hair for it already…Snivellus!"

The next few moments were very fast for Harry. Just as Snape was screaming the "Avada Kedavra!" at his godfather, Sirius took a handful of M&M's from Lupin's bag and swallowed them all very quickly like he was taking pills in a hurry. Snape's well-aimed Killing Curse hit the intended target…but then it bounced off of Sirius Black and right towards the remains of the window from which Lucius Malfoy was blasted! There was a horrible high-pitched shriek from the window as whatever-it-was was flung backwards!

Harry flung back his covers and leaped out of bed, wondering what was in the window. Remus and Sirius followed. They all looked out of the window. What they saw on the ground cause Remus to burst into hysterical laughter. There were two figures laying in the grass outside of the window – Lucius Malfoy and Voldemort, side by side like the partners in crime they were.

Snape, meanwhile, was not even paying attention. He was still thinking about Paraguay. "If I hurry," he whispered dreamily to himself, "I may be able to make it there in time for Festival de San Juan."

Remus was finally recovering from his laughter as he peered out of the window. "I told you chocolate makes everyone better! Who would have thought that finding the antidote to Snape's poisons would kill You-Know-Who!"

Harry rolled his eyes at Remus. "He's _dead_! You can say 'Voldemort!'"

Remus started chuckling again, but by that time Snape had realized that he was in fact not in Paraguay nor at the Festival de San Juan. His snarky manner returned again. He had initially thought to simply walk out of the secret house, but then decided that he would throw a banishing curse at the three at the window…just for good measure. Since they didn't remember his presence, and had not nibbled on a precautionary chocolate, all three of them – Remus, Sirius, and Harry – went tumbling out of the window to join the still figures of Lucius and Voldemort on the grass.

They lay dazed for a moment, before they realized that Snape was also outside, and was examining the body of Voldemort. The other three looked on with anxious faces. Finally, Snape announced, "Well, ding dong, the wizard's dead."

Harry stared at Snape as though the man had gone insane. Suddenly, he heard a new voice from next to him that made Harry leap up in fright! "Mental, that one. I'm tellin' you."

"Ron!" shouted Harry. "Where'd you come from?"

"I was hidin' in the bushes over there," he said, pointing to the shrubbery around the house.

Harry shook his head in disbelief, wondering how everyone else knew about this secret house except for him. No wonder why Voldemort and Lucius Malfoy found him. He stared at the body of Voldemort as he walked towards it. He stared down at it without merciful compassion. Then, like a crazy young man, he began to speak to it. "You killed my parents. You ruined my life." He ground his teeth together, not realizing how overdramatic his theatrics were coming across to everyone else gathered. "You set a curse on me which not only drained me of family and friends—"

"Hey!" shouted Ron. But Harry kept going.

"—but also any chance of a sex life!" With almost the speed of Snape from earlier in the house Harry aimed his wand at Voldemort's body. "Crucio!" The body didn't even twitch, which made Harry think that performing the curse was immensely dissatisfying.

Suddenly, there was a snap-sound as two people appeared on the lawn. One of them Harry knew, but the other one…he was pretty sure he never wanted to know! "You used an illegal Unforgivable Curse!" shouted the man, a one Cornelius Fudge.

But Harry was not in any mood to deal with him. "He's dead, so it doesn't even make a difference!"

What surprised Harry was that Snape chose that moment to walk forward. "Fudge, I present to you Lord Voldemort."

What did not surprise Harry was Fudge's refusal to believe Snape. "Where?" He proceeded to look everywhere except the patch of grass that Voldemort's corpse now lay.

Snape stared for a moment looking like he was about to call the Minister an idiot, but chose instead to appear patient. He lightly tapped the corpse with his boot. "Right here, Fudge."

Fudge looked directly at the body, but still denied it. "I see nothing. What are you kicking at? There is no You-Know-Who here! And since you used the alias of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, you are also being locked up – with Potter!"

At that idea, Snape's face turned sour and annoyed. His strained patience was wearing even thinner. He began to vigorously kick the body. "He's _right here!_ And he's _dead!_" His last very enthusiastic kick flipped Voldemort's body over so that it was now face up, the pale snakey face stuck forever in a twisted smile from the sheer delight at being…so close…to killing Harry Potter.

Fudge stared at Voldemort for a long moment, clearly unaffected by the grisly sight. "There's nothing there but a pile of old rags."

At that point, Snape's patience had practically run out. In his hand, his wand began to spark, tendrils of spastic magic flared green and silver from the tip. He began to shake in rage. Subtly, Harry dared to lean over and whisper, "Welcome to my life, professor."

Ron, Sirius, and Remus started to sneak away from the Ministry officials.

Suddenly there was a shuffling sound on the grass, which drew everyone's attention. Lucius began to wake up from his temporary coma. He looked around, very bewildered at what was occurring around him. Then, he saw Cornelius Fudge. "Fudge?" he whispered, disbelievingly.

Lupin heard the word 'fudge' and immediately ran over towards Lucius. "Yes! I have all kinds!" He opened another bag out of nowhere and began rifling through it. He lifted up the types of objects that he was describing. "Chocolate, naturally, but peanut butter, pecan, bubblegum..." Remus trailed off as he took out a brown piece of fudge and pressed it against Lucius's lips like a mother would press a spoonful of foos against an infant's mouth. "Chocolate is nature's cure, you know."

Lucius grimaced in the way that only a wizarding aristocrat possibly could. With every intention of muttering the killing curse at Remus, Lucius opened his mouth. However, before he was able to even utter, "Avada!" he found his mouth stuffed with a large chunk of chocolate fudge!

As Lucius chokingly chewed the morsel, Lupin began to laugh in excitement. "I figured it out! The countercurse! Shove fudge down their throats!"

Fudge looked offended. "Excuse me?"

There was the sound of another snap and suddenly a new person arrived on the lawn. She had insane hair and an outfit that looked like it had been through several tornados and only held together by the last possible threads. She took in the sight of everyone gathered on the lawn in front of the house. Then, her eyes caught sight of someone very familiar to her and a twisted-in-pleasant-wicked delight. She raised her wand slowly, seductively, and aimed it at Sirius, who started to backtrack away from her threat.

Luckily, for a moment, Lupin was a quick thinker, and he summoned some fudge from the bag on the ground next to Bellatrix and, with his wand, he flung it down her throat, just as she opened her mouth to shout "Avada Kedavra!" She began to choke violently.

Then, there was something moving off far in the distance. Something terrifying. In only a second everyone in the area knew what it was. It was a Dementor! Harry, however, was not focused on the dementor. He was focused on his godfather, who was still backing away as quickly as he could. "Sirius, you're still alive!" Sirius, though, didn't even hear Harry as he continued to back away in terrible fear. "Sirius!" shouted Harry. Sirius had reached the open window of the house, where sheer smokey drapes were dancing in a non-existent breeze. Then, with a long and echoing cry, Sirius tripped into the window and ended up tangled in the drapes! In another moment, Sirius disappeared in the drapery, his last scream echoing as the drapes grew still.

Meanwhile, Snape was still focused on the approaching Dementor. He shouted out, "Accio Fudge!" Unfortunately, the person named Fudge was summoned by Snape's outburst. Snape was surprised by his wand's mistake for only a moment before he decided not to care. Snape sent Fudge airborne directly at the Dementor. The Dementor began to inhale deeply, and everyone watched as Cornelius Fudge was robbed of his soul. Then, the Dementor fell over.

Everyone stared at the unconscious Dementor for a moment. Remus looked around and then wondered aloud, "Has anyone seen Dumbledore?"

From inside the house came the sound of a flushing toilet. The front door of the house opened to reveal the oldest wizard in the Wizarding World – Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore. He was leaning on the doorframe as though in immense pain. "The laxative failed to work tonight." Then he looked around at the confused state around the lawn. "What did I miss?"

Snape could no longer handle any more nonsense for the night. He walked past Lupin, casually plucking something from the other man's hand. He walked directly to Dumbledore in the doorway. "You missed all the _fudge_!" Without warning, Snape shoved the fudge down Dumbledore's throat!

Finally, the other Minstry official walked towards Dumbledore and Snape. "You are under arrest for the murder of Cornelius Fudge."

"Oh, no, Dolores. I just don't think so."

And then Snape looked at Dumbledore and recognized the dangerous twinkle in those light blue eyes of the headmaster for what it was. Snape reacted on his instinct of self-preservation and produced fresh air through multiple Bubble-Head charms for Remus, Harry, Ron, and himself. Just as the fresh air bubble enclosed Snape's head, there was the sound of an explosion from behind Dumbledore...

…but a moment later, Harry realized that it _was_ Dumbledore!

Everyone watched in astonishment as Dolores Umbridge was blown airborne straight at the Dementor that had woken up and was gasping for breath. As it struggled to breath, drawing in its breath through long inhales, the Dementor accidentally sucked out her soul!

Afterwards, everyone observed the carnage that resulted in the last 30 minutes. Dumbledore tilted his head with a lopsided grin. "I suppose that is one way to cleanse the evil of the world…"

_Thank you for reading, everyone. Leave a review. It's how fanfic writers get paid. Thank you. _


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